Log in


Just Paint Your Face In Shadow's Smile

About Recent Entries

What Is A Soulmate? Is There Some Deeper Connection Than Just Soulmates?! May. 21st, 2010 @ 03:35 pm

Soulmates... What comes to your mind when you hear the word "Soulmate"?!

What does the term “Soulmate” mean to you? How would you describe it to someone else if they were asked you, what does “Soulmate” mean?


I just floated around different areas reading different definitions. The follow are some ones that really stuck out to me that I wanted to share.



Wikipedia's Definition is: A soulmate is a person with whom one has a feeling of deep and natural affinity, love, intimacy, sexuality, spirituality, and/or compatibility. A related concept is that of the twin flame or twin soul – which is thought to be the ultimate soulmate, the one and only other half of one's soul, for which all souls are driven to find and join.


Classic Meaning of Soulmates:

The concepts of soulmates arose from Greek mythology. According to the story, our ancestors once had 2 heads, 4 arms. They did something to offend a god so that god punished them by splitting them down the middle, resulting in the creation of humans. As a punishment, we are condemned to spend our lives searching for the other half, our soulmates.


Spiritual Soulmate Concepts:

Many religions and spiritual paths believe in reincarnation and the concept of karma. Through reincarnation, soulmates may spend many lifetimes together in past lives.


Twin Soulmates:

These types of soulmate are your closest friends or a person whom you really click with. According to those who believe in reincarnation, you have already met them in a past life, and in this life you are continuing the relationship. There is an emotional bond between these soulmates and each is able to sense the feelings of each other...


Twin Flame Soulmates:

This is the most popular type of soulmate. There is usually one twin flame soulmate for each of us. Twin flame soulmates have spent multiple lifetimes together in past lives. There is incredible chemistry and attraction towards each other. They "complete" each other and only few lucky people are able to find their twin flame soulmate. Twin flame soulmates, if separated, usually suffer enormous pain.


soulmaterelationships Definition is: Soul Mates are other souls that have agreed to connect with you on this planet for a purpose. In some cases it is to clear up karma, in other cases it is to finish unfinished business, and for some it is to accomplish a particular goal together. These relationships may be a joy to be in or these relationships may be a pain in your life. Either way they are here for a reason.


When Soul Mates first meet they sometimes feel as if they already know each other. They may feel very familiar to each other. Soul Mates can have a beautiful relationship together, but it will take work. Soul Mate relationships may last a lifetime and others may only be for a particular purpose and be temporary. You can have more than one Soul Mate in a lifetime.


soulmaterelationships Definition is: Twin Flames are very different and very rare. Twin Flames are two people in two separate bodies that share the same Soul. Twin Flames meet each other in their first incarnation so that they remember the soul frequency of the other being. They are then usually reunited on their last time to this planet. If Twin Flames meet before they are ready they can be the total opposite and not at all compatible. When Twin Flames meet and are ready for each other, it is the most enjoyable experience possible on Earth.


At this point, Twin Flames are almost identical. They truly compliment each other and it is a hardship for them to be apart. As an outside observer it is sometimes hard to distinguish the two people. They also have a very strong bond and often have telepathy with each other. Their lives even before meeting each other have many parallels. Again, meeting your Twin Flame is very rare on this planet.



Thanks to a friend who asked me this question got me really thinking about this, and just wanted to see what other people think about this and how they would describe it. Been very enlightening to me & I am still thinking about this from time to time. My Favorite One was The Twin Flame Soulmate description <3 Image to find someone out there to have that strong of a connection to… it’s great than both of you that is has last since the start of time and will right to the very end. It’s really beautiful!

Current Mood: thoughtfulthoughtful
Current Music: Beside You - Marianas Trench

Single Again... Feb. 10th, 2010 @ 12:20 pm
Well a week after me & bill's 18 month anniversary, I broke up with him. For the reasons of his lack of not wanting to come meet my family. That was really the only one thing I wanted him to do... Then I would have done anything he asked of me. He couldn't do just that one simple thing I asked, which hurts. He was so mad and upset at me at first. Saying I was most likely fooling around on him behind his back. *laughs* That was a lie, I been through break ups before... I know the stages and everything almost to a T. First the guys gets angry & upset, yelling and stuff at me saying anything to make himself feel better. I learn to take it and just roll with it. After that then it's the I am sorry for everything I said and did. Followed by can't we work it out stage to the final he understand and gets it and try to stay friends. Me & Bill are still in the stage of can't we work it out... So for the time being I asked him to break all contact with me and just focus on his work. I decided to break up with him now before him and the guys head on tour which will take them away to the UK for 4 to 5 months... I think that be more than enough time for both of us to heal and try to talk again when we were once just friends.

He did throw a name in my face about the whole going behind his back which was the only person I cheated on Bill with which was Robert... I love Rob as a good close and funny friend. I am more mad at myself for letting those feeling sway me to his bed. I know doing that has fucked up our friendship big time... I know it more of me not forgiving myself. Which I think once I do, I can start to fix everything. It's been 6 months since that sinful night... I regret it! If i could go back in time and make sure it didn't happen I would. I think Rob coming into the whole thing was a test that Me & Bill tried to pass and work thought but in the end failed. That one thing showed us all our other troubles came to face us. So I think rob was a bless in disguise for me. Open my eyes that me & bill relationship was never really going to work no matter how much we both wanted it too. Bill was not meant to be my forever. From our relationship I have learned so much and I have grown and still am growing from it.

I know I am really hurt and torn now. I know if me & Bill are to talk during this time, I know he will make me sway my choice and make me come back to him. I think he knows it as well, but for now he respects my choice and will obey it. I am happy, I want us to go back to being the best awesome friends we were. Rob, I am mad at him more so that he fucked me and ran away. BAND & LEAVE! I don't know the reasons behind it or why... Plus I don't EVER think we can work as a couple... One: He is SO IN LOVE with his ex gf, that she basically has ruined him for any other woman, which is fine shows he is loyal & true to his heart. Two: ANY FEELINGS Of More Than Friendship for him died that night. Which is great... I think we'd have ugly babies lmfao Plus he is tiny and small *shakes head* I like my guys to be taller than me I like to lean up to kiss them not down lol =P Three: I found someone who means so much to me that it confuses me. I LOVE HIM WITH EVERYTHING IN ME, I want to make him happy, make him laugh & smile. He is so very close to me and precious that I consider him family. Plus he is Robert's Cousin and His Name Is Wolfgang AKA Buttercup :heart: All I Know Is I want to make my friendship better with Rob for wolf's sake I don't want him feel awkward & like the child stuck in the middle of a divorce. So now I need to figure out how to talk to Rob once again... thinking of taking him to lunch or dinner soon. Just so we can talk and I can say my piece then we can move on. Then maybe we can all have fun together again. I really do miss our hang out times together.

Plus I want to better myself for the next girl I am with. After Bill I decided to remain single for at least a year and I want to only date girls for the next 2 or 3 years for now. Or at least stay away from men for a bit till I get my head back on straight and healed my heart. So here to better myself and starting a new chapter in my life solo. I am kind of excited about this and a little scared... something new to me. Too Use To Having Someone There... But I Got My Buttercup Who Just Fills In The Cracks & Pains. Just being around him I can't help but to laugh, smile. & be happy. I most not relay on him too much... cause I don't want to hurt him in anyway. He just means a lot to me, Wolf is like a snowflake on my hand... so delicate that you are so scared the slightest move might make it go away.
Current Mood: sadsad

Bill & Our Relationship Plus Soul Search Nov. 5th, 2009 @ 03:34 pm

I am so very sad and lonely as of lately! Sure Bill loves me and everything but things are starting to fall way from us. He proposed to me… *laughs* only because he thought it would “FIX” our troubles and problems! I should have been happy & excited about this… but truthfully! I wasn’t… I just went quite and couldn’t say anything to him. We have problems that are breaking us down… he wants us to do these big steps in life as a couple yet he has not put forth the effort to come meet my wonderful family! I only ever meet his brother Tom and briefly met his mom stepdad and sister a handful of times. He wants us to move in together, he wants to start a life with me, & he wants to make me his wife now BUT there it lacks the commitment to it! Only broke words and empty promises… That is why even thou I KNEW it would hurt him and killed his heart for me to refuse his proposal, I DID! I felt it in my heart & gut that this was wrong. His reasons behind asking me were wrong and selfishly lazy. I want him to ask when he feels it is right and it’s what he wants in his heart. I have been so many relationships before it’s so damn hard now then when it use to be easy. We use to go well together like the best combinations in the world. This relationship use to be easy and flowed well. Problems were something we laughed at and we fix them with the greatest ease. Just lately he has changed… he has been changing since the stars in his eyes grew bigger! I am losing him to holly that calls his name. Drifting apart and I am feeling depressed… I am losing the spark of life in my eyes, the bounce in my steps, the will to even go on! I am a shell once again of my former self, and I HATE feeling this way. I feel bad because I am avoiding all contact now with Bill. I just need space and time to breath and think. I told him thou when we talked about the whole marriage thing. If it would make him feel comfortable to place a ring on my finger he could but not a ring of proposal… a Promise Ring! A promise that we will fix everything wrong between us, work at taking those bigger steps in life together, & a promise that we won’t give up without fighting or at least trying. A promise that I will be his wife one day if that is what he truly wants in his deepest part of his heart and when everything is worked out! I know relationships are not meant to be easy as our relationship had been at the start and what really wants a relationship work is how you work through the troubles and how close you are after it all! I think what really broke us both in our hearts and spirit was when I cheated on him… when I let myself sleep with my friend rob. We were never the same after that I think that started a rip that just hasn’t stop but grew bigger. I thought we worked it through and it not like Rob is in my life all the time. Sure I HAD feelings for him once upon a time those feelings died that night we slept together. Now I kind have ill feelings towards him that are my own fault as well. Things I need to work through. I think he is awesome funny guy that is well… different… just makes him Robert. I think of him only as a friend and I want to get rid of those ill feelings towards him… maybe they will fade away with the scars of our sinful night. I do care and love rob but only a friend’s sense now, and I don’t put any blame on him for what happened or for making me and bill grow apart. The blame is all mine to hold! Bill once the guy I felt I could live without I know feel like I am drowning when I am with. It feels as if he is sucking the life from me. For every one week of happiness we have there is 2 or 3 weeks of pure sadness and pain. I told him I give us until January to fix these things and that is we can’t it might be best we just part ways and just be friends. We were happier and better as friends it seems but he does love me I know he does. I can see that twinkle in his eyes when he looks at me I see it for a minute or two before it fades away. Maybe this is as far as we were meant to go. Maybe it’s time for me to sit back and be single and be selfish for once in my life. I have always been thinking about others and helping them with stuff that I never really take time out for myself. If this is the end of us… I am going to be hurt and broken for a long time. I want no one’s help to fix myself or anything I want to do it on my own and be able to stand on my own two feet! Like the phoenix I will be reborn again from my ashes. Hasn’t been the first time this has happened to me. Bill, I love you always if not forever!

Current Mood: depresseddepressed
Current Music: Black Eyed Peas - Meet Me Halfway

ONE MORE DAY!!! Aug. 26th, 2009 @ 10:47 am

Well, things have been good! Nothing I can complain about or rant about. Just been so lonely and sad… because I am missing Bill my missing piece to my heart, soul, and life so much more now since we started our month break, which needs tomorrow. With a whole month without him it’s been a hellish pain but a good one. Made me realize how much I need him and love him, even if during those times I was torn about leaving him and just ending our relationship. For so many different reasons, but then again out of all my MANY MANY Relationships through my life… 2 of them have been the best thing ever to happened to me. One being the relationship that I am in right now and my past relationship with Cross! They both taught me how I am suppose to be treated and cared for which was something a lot of my pass relationships never did. I guess being in abusive relationship at a very young age and always finding another bitch or asshole that does the same thing wasn’t a good thing.  I lost my self worth in it all. They both have been my friends for many many years which I am truly thankful for. I never use to date my friends before… because I was so scared to loose them! Then I realized that slowly all my friends now were an ex and that I still managed to stay friends with them after a relationship. I thought well if I can make a friendship after a relationship that I should be able to keep a friendship if it evolves into a relationship. Now the best & happiest relationships I have ever had in my life have been with friends. My relationship now… is very unclear and unknowing! I am not going to give up on it without trying my hardest and putting everything I have into it. If I can spend the rest of my life with Bill then YAY! If not then I hope we can stay friends for the rest of our lives. I will always wish him the best in life. That will NEVER change. I know now he holds my heart… we will keep if he wants to for the rest of his life or for as long as I love him as much as I do. If we EVER end… he will keep my heart to protect it and hold it until I find the one I am to be with for the rest of my life. I trust him with my heart and life, because he was my best friend as well.


Well Bill is off shooting their music video for their first single off their second album… I am so happy he is out there doing what he loves and has a very deep true passion for. I am so very proud of him and will support him as well as his twin brother Tom! Since Tom is also my friend as well. I never want Bill to choose between me and his music. His music is how he expresses himself and his feelings. I never want to take that away from him… be like him taking away my writings! I don’t know what going to happen to us once we get to really talk about things… but we’ll see! I just can’t wait to connect with him once again. I waited all these days and weeks that felt like months and years! Whatever happens to us good or bad it’s meant to be and I will deal with it all as best as I can!


Wolfgang… Hahahaha! Where this guy came from… how he entered my life… we’ll never know. We have tried to figure it out and came up with nothing. We thin it was because of Rob… I need to thank Rob for that. Because Wolfgang is a great wonderful friend *hearts* Wolfgang makes me happy and makes me laugh. I can never be sad or mad around him for too long… and most of the time we are laughing and joking around. He just someone that came out of nowhere that just makes my life easier and more eventful! Never a dull time when we are together… plus he lets me do a lot of stuff to him! Plus he is my Buttercup and I am his Wesley! Kind of funny how we get asked a lot if we are brother and sister… because we act like it at times! I ONLY HIT HIM CAUSE I LOVE HIM! I just have to leave my mark on him somehow… well try to leave my mark lol!

Current Mood: excitedexcited
Current Music: Blue Foundation - Eyes On Fire

15 Days So Far... 16 More To Go! Aug. 12th, 2009 @ 10:47 am

Well GREAT NEWS! I am NOT PREGANT! So thankful now… that was one of the biggest scares in my life… even if everyone else was disappointed I wasn’t… I don’t care how cute I would have looked and how much they would have pampered me! I am NOT Ready yet! So with that I know now… I am going to try with everything in me to make this relationship with Bill work and last. Starting from the time I seen the turn out of that test I promised and vowed to be faithful and be only for him. I wavered in our relationship because I know now why… I feel unworthy and undeserving of him. I feel I DO NOT match this wonderful guy who is perfect from head to toe and mind and spirit! But I am determined to make myself feel worthy and deserving of him… I will do it for him and myself mostly. I think that is why I have been blocking him out and not letting our lives become one. He makes it easy to love him, but hard to stay in love with him cause he just so caring and loving. That I kind of feel pressured to try harder to love him as much as he loves me but once I do then he goes falling more and deeper in love with me… that I feel bad to have him love me that much when I can’t return it. I hate how he tells me it’s ok that he doesn’t care as long as I just love him as much as I can… that’s how he makes it easy to love him. I am happy to be with him… been 15 days since we started our break… it has felt like it been already a month since I last talked to him and even longer since we last touch, kissed, and held each other’s hand. I hate the fact we cut off all communication with each other. No phone calls, no texts, no emails, no messaging, and no video chat! That is how we survived being together because we had all that and always made time for each other no matter what. We text each other EVERYDAY sometimes all day and he calls me everyday if he can and if not by least the 3 days he would make sure to call me… and we talk hours on the phone. To save on my phone bill we use msn to chat or to video chat to each other. Since he’s off traveling and working so hard *hearts* I love him and want to support him in everything he wants to do and dreams of doing. The thought that I might lose him… it scared me a lot… there was a grip on my heart and my lungs felt like they were failing and I felt like a big part of myself might be dying. That made me realize how much he means to me and how much I need him in my life and world. I am willing to talk with him and have us talk things out and compromise with anything and everything… So I am going to work at this with a full head and heart that I know can compromise with it’s self. *smiles* Because I have now started to think about making our lives more together… us living together… us getting married… us having cute half German and half Native American babies… 2 beautiful boys I can see… maybe twins like him and his brother *smiles* I can actually see our future together… something I have NEVER be able to do and even think of until recently… it truly opened my eyes. I have SO MUCH to tell him and SO MUCH to talk to him about. I am a little bit scared but mostly excited about it! He is the FIRST PERSON to ever make me really think about these kinds of things and be happy and excited about them. Before I use to hate and be scared of those kinds of things with my other boyfriends and girlfriends. I am thinking maybe this one is truly mine… for keeps… forever!  16 days until we can talk again… feels so much longer away then it really is. So glad that Bill’s brother Tom calls me every other day to talk to me plus texts me everyday *hearts* if it wasn’t for Tom being my little fix to help me get through this month break from bill I would be going crazy. So glad I have wonderful boyfriend plus and great close friend. I don’t miss Bill as long as Tom calls and My raven is close by../ she numbs all the pains I feel… I feel stupid for relying on them… but they will never leave me alone to feel that way. They will always make me laugh and smile!

Current Mood: hopefulhopeful
Current Music: Marianas Trench - Cross My Heart
Other entries
» One Year As Of Today *smiles* <3

WOW… one year as of today… Haven & Bill have been together! Funny how it’s a year to the date when Bill finally got me to change my mind about dating him! I caved to him and I think it was one of the best things ever that I let myself cave too *smiles* Sure we have had our ups and downs… but what couples hasn’t?! There are no perfect couples, just how you work through the things that come at you. How you work through the problems is what really makes or break a couple! We have been able to work through them all… some have been easy and others hard. We are still here going strong… I am so thankful. Bill is just everything I am not… which is why I think I feel I don’t deserve him a lot of the time. His love for me is SO Great and deep… it surprises me all the time. I may not love him as much as he loves me… he is ok with that. He has a strong feeling that I will come around in my own time and he is so patience to wait for that. I am one of the luckiest girls in the whole to have this heavenly star to be in love with me. OF ALL THE GIRLS IN THIS FLIPPIN’ WORLD AND HE CHOSE ME! I feel like I am nothing compared to him. But he loves me for who I truly am and even thou we had a recent fight about it… he came around and told me he was sorry and that it was stress that made him a bit bitchy to the slightest things. Sure he took it out on me… but I think he knew that acting that way almost made him lose me. Something that he says would break his heart for the very first time in his life! He fell in love with me because I am not scared to stand up for myself… I know I am not perfect and I proud myself on that! That no matter I am just myself to the very end with such an over whelming confident! I seriously don’t see that myself… I don’t think I have any confident at all… I just love myself for who I am and say “FUCK IT!” If you don’t like it because the only person I have to please and make happy is myself… which I truly am lol I just can’t express how much he has become a part of me and my life… I am caving to him more and more as the months roll along! If this is the person that I’m meant to be with until the very end of my days then I am happy to have him then. I think slowly I am starting to think… I want to be with him always… we are going to be talking about more serious things about our lives. We will slow start to talk about maybe moving in together and starting living together. Which is a big step that as of lately I am no longer scared of to do… I am actually pretty excited about this. Sure moving in together would mean for me to pack up and move away. I think it’s about time we did this… I also want it as bad as he does. Take things slowly one step at a time… But I am not saying I am going to move in with him right away. Just start to talk about it and figure things out! Then we will move on to more serious issues that he has been wanting to talk about! God he is so patience which is what I love about him and how understanding he can be. I AM ONE OF THE LUCKIEST PEOPLE IN THE WORLD TO HAVE THIS LOVE! I hope in this next year for me and Bill that we grow closer and start to form a life together. I will work hard on this… because I want us to work because now I am really scared to lose him… It will break my heart as well as his. I want to keep him and my heart safe! I LOVE MY BILL SO MUCH! So here is wishing to the stars and sky that we will make it another wonderful year together. I love it all… the good and the bad for it helps me grow and helps us become closer and more in love with each other. Almost like a fairy tale love…

» Falling Out Of Love To Just Fall In Love

Well last night I was kept awake until the early morning hours… I feel so dead right now! I could have slept so much longer. Just couldn’t since I had to be at work. Why do people always seem to like to keep me awake at such late hours…?! Mostly guys do it! The girls seem to have a good sense of time. I don’t mind just wish they least let me get a few decent hours of sleep, since I do work weekdays during the day. That’s the only problem is not getting enough sleep… why does my life always seem to be so full and busy… Guess that is just my life.


Well anyways Tom was the first person to call me last night. He wanted to call to say sorry for butting in to Bill and me relationship. Tom seems to want to play referrer in our relationship. That I kind of blew up on him telling him that Bill and me relationship is between me and bill, not between Bill, me and him. That I was sick and tired of having him go back and forth between me and bill relaying messages and stuff. Bill can say this stuff to me. I even hung up on Tom that day he called me and even told him to tell Bill if this is how things will keep going that we might as well call it over. One thing you can count on Tom is giving you time to cool down before he attempts to call you back. After a few hours that day he called me back just to ask me what Bill had said to make me so very upset. He could tell by the sound of my voice and how I was acting that whatever it was really got to me.


Well Bill called me one day like he does every few days. We were having a good talk but I could tell something was brothering him by how he was acting, talking, and seeming distance. I didn’t want to press him about it, I know he will tell me when he is ready to or when he wants to talk about it since we always talk about anything and everything together. That is what makes our relationship so strong and makes it work. We have no secrets and we keep nothing from each other. We don’t press each other to tell the other what is wrong right way but that we both have an understanding that with time the other will talk to the other about it. So I kept chit chat with my love. Until he said he had something important to tell me, so I thought he was going to let me know what was getting him all twisted up. Then he said something that just knocked the wind out of me… that is felt very much like he really did punch me in my gut with all his might. I know he was trying to find the right way to word what he was saying but he did a terrible job of it.


This is what he said “Haven, I think you need to grow up! Video gaming, manga reading, and anime watching were just way to geeky that you need to change.” I just lost it… that is a part of who I am! I love doing all that stuff I rather do that then party seriously or even partying while doing these would be so much better. He’s also been trying to tell me how to look and how to dress like he is trying to change all of me. It just hurt me very much because I love me for how I am. It just made me kind of think… Why did he fall in love with me then?! I even asked him that I kind of blew up on him… I hung up on him and told him not to call me back. We didn’t talk until last night and this happened Thursday night. I told myself that once I had found myself and was happy that I wouldn’t change for anything or anyone. So far it’s been so very awesome… I am happier, I am more alive, and my friends and family have noticed this glow that always comes from me. I am told by a lot of people on different days that I am awesome and great just the way I am. So why change?!


Anyways, last night I was playing Left 4 Dead on the X-Box 360 having the Ipod hooked in and playing music. As I was playing Bill’s song comes on that I am doing ok singing along as I play my game. About half way through the song I couldn’t fight it anymore. I needed to talk to him… I didn’t like how it was for us and what was happening. I just paused the game grabbed my phone and ran outside to call him. He answered in two rings and we were both silent for a few seconds before I finally breathed out “I just needed to hear your voice… I heard your song and it just woken my feelings of missing you” He chuckled a little into the phone then I started to cry saying “What is happening to us?!” He hates to see or hear me cry even more so when he is the reason I am crying. He finally spoke into the phone “Don’t cry my sweet! Oh please baby, don’t cry… I am so sorry!” I just couldn’t help but to cry a little bit more since I had been holding it all in so much. He started to get mad at himself over the phone. Then telling me “All I do now is make you cry…” I finally stop my little cry to listen to him “I promise you that we will fix this, we will be better again. I just can’t talk to you right now since I am with the guys and we are working” I told him it was ok and that all I wanted was to hear his voice. He started to laugh and said “I am the one who makes you cry and you don’t want a sorry you just want to hear my voice.” I started to laugh as well and smiled. “I love you, and I am sorry for what I did. I will talk to you soon about this when I can spare a good couple hours to talk. I will phone you in the next couple days, ok?” I said ok and he told me “I do love you haven, more than anything else in this world. So don’t cry anymore.” I told him that I loved him too and we said our good byes.


It was nice to finally talk to him to get things in motion for us to fix this little rough patch we had hit. I have a feeling it not so much me but his work that is stressing him out. Even so that Tom kind of helped me out last night by telling me that he is really stress and taking out on other people for no reason or for little reasons. Tom has been a good great friend just sucks because he is my boyfriend’s twin brother who also once upon a time had feelings for me now… I don’t know if he still does but I do have a strong feeling he is still holding a little something for me in his heart. I am just glad that he has kind of met this girl who I like and think is wonder, beautiful, and sweet. Hell I would have hit on her too if I was single *winks* I can say he has good taste *laughs* So talking with Tom about anything and everything just like his brother… sometimes I swear it’s like I have two boyfriends wrapped into one with these twin brothers… I feel bad. Or maybe it’s just me over thinking Tom’s kindness! Anyways I try to talk to Tom about things I want to talk to Bill about first just to see what he thinks Bill might say or react. This has helped me out many times. I know Bill does the same thing about me to Tom, because Tom has told us both that we talk to him about the other.


Anyways after a good talk Tom asked me “Ok Haven! What is on your mind? Stop keeping it from me, I know you want to tell me. So stop playing around and spill it out” I started to laugh really hard and then said “Gawd! You and your brother know me WAY too well!” Well I told him that my heart was growing some pretty strong feelings for one of my guy friends. Tom told me to keep going and I did. I told how with crying a lot because of Bill’s action as of lately has been making me kind of start to fall out of love with him. Something I don’t want but seems when I fall in love with him to the same level he seems to fall deeper for me… my feelings can match his to any amount. His love for me is so much greater than I can ever feel for him right now. I feel like I am cheating him this way… I know he will say “No baby, it doesn’t matter if you think I love you more than you love me just as long as you love me even a little bit compare to my feelings for you. You are still returning it back to me and I am not complaining because it’s all been amazing!” Plus I told Tom how I have been thinking of my guy friend a lot daydreaming about him and everything. Plus the fact is I can’t wait to hear from him again… that I look forward to it mostly everyday… so sad *tear* Tom thinks maybe I should distance myself from my friend for a time until me and Bill fully figure things out… I am thinking he is right. Well after our good long talk we said good night.


Then Cross calls not even 20 minutes after Tom and just says “Darling, I was sleeping then a feeling of need came over me that I had to call you! What is wrong?” Cross is an amazing person and a wonderful friend. We haven’t been friends this long without him knowing me complete in everyway and I mean EVERY WAY since we dated a few years back. I know he still has feelings for me a lot… I just couldn’t forgive him for cheating on me. He knows he ruined everything and beats himself up for it. That he now says he is indebt with me for life to make it up too me… I told him no but he keeps being there for me in everyway possible… I just wish he would find a new girl friend cause I hate this feeling I get that he is like waiting for me… thinking I will come back. I don’t know but all I do know is I really want me and Bill to work because I just have this connect to him that I feel if breaks I will lose myself all over again. I talked to him about all the things that happened and everything so it was like repeating me and tom’s whole conversation over again… which was kind of stupid! After our phone talk we said good night and that we heart each other. I don’t say love to him or he doesn’t say love to me because for both of us it still causes a little pain!


Well I hope Bill calls soon because I can’t do something because it involves spending time with the guy friend who seems to make my heart flutter… Well I hope I can have a better sleep tonight! Plus need to work out tonight… so my body will need its sleep!

» Another Update!
Let’s see… It has been awhile since I last wrote! Things are really picking up in my life. I am happy for it. Like my life has finally gotten back on track once again. Took some time and a lot of effort to do it, but I did indeed do it. So here is the sum up of what has happened.
I was dating a very handsome and wonderful man named Cross. He was almost close to perfect for me in almost everyway possible. We had the same interests. We had the same career in mind. We were just a female and male version of each other. We dated only a little over 2 months. The only one thing that didn’t work was he effort to meet and get to know my family. I meet his family and talked with them 3 times out of the 5. His family and me got along great, and seems that they really liked me. I think we would have worked out great. Sure I wasn’t in love with him yet, but I was starting to fall in love with him. Plus also another thing happened… He cheated on me. We tried to work pass it. It was just so hard on me to try forgive and forget. It just kept coming up in my mind. I last a month with it trying so hard to get over it but I couldn’t. I never got angry at him and we never fought about it. We never fought actually… Not once! We broke up and we are still friends. We said we would try to date once again when our lives were not as crazy. We even made a vow in couple years we would try for a baby together. That is when we are both ready, and even if we are not together. He is getting older and wants to have a baby by the time he is 32. He is 5 years older than me and around that time is when I would like to start having kids. So we said if we were not in a relationship with other people we would try together. Share everything 50/50. It’s just my back-up plan due to the fact, I just really want one child of my own. I care for Cross very much, I hope he finds the one who can love him as much as he loved me. Plus I pray he can love her back the same, as I couldn’t do for him.
I have been going to see and hang out with mike a lot. For those who don’t know, Mike and Me dated for 15 months. His and I longest relationship so far. I really did love him very much and deeply. Our relationship fell apart because of reasons on both sides. I am big enough to say how I treated him wasn’t the best and that I was wrong. I just never had to deal with some like him before, so such extremes. I finally came to realize that it wasn’t going to work and left the relationship. Mike has his own stuff to deal with, as much as I wanted to still be part of his life even if just as a friend. I tried to talk with him and be nice and everything, it just didn’t work. After 9 months, him and I finally started to talk to each other with no worries. We were able to become friends, like I hoped and wished for. So we hang out, do go clubbing together, and all that jazz. I finally am so happy for it all. It was hard thou during the break-up to not try to go back to him. That was a consent inner battle for myself that I was able to win. I was very hurt and sad. Plus having a few people try to talk to me about him and how he was doing. I handle it as best as I could. 5 people talked to me about him… 2 of those 5 people pleaded and begged me never to tell him. After breaking up with him… I changed. I looked at life different and change my personality for the better. I was this new person that with Mike’s help was able to finally come thru. As this new person I swore and vow to never tell mike who they were.
This weekend I went to see Mike and visit. We talked about our past together and everything, something I think we both needed to have the closure we need. I told him about people talking to me about him when we first broke-up and he wasn’t doing the greatest. He kept trying his hardest to get those names from me. He got a few names, but those names that I swore and vowed to protect… I still am. It took me to lie to mike, which I hate to do, to protect them. I am a woman of my word. For those you know who you are, I am still holding our secret. I won’t tell for now. I say for now, because maybe one day when mike and me become closer as friends, I will let him in. For now I had to lie to him, which is now eating away at me. Making me feel really depressed and sad. I sometimes even feel psychically sick! I am not one to lie, which in most cases I am pretty bad at! I start to laugh and smile when trying to lie, but if it’s important I can mange to lie like a pro. I don’t feel great about it at all. I am truly sorry Mike, but I hope you can understand. I know he will find out, when he does that is when I will actually tell him I am sorry. For now all I can do try to deal with this.
So after Cross and I broke-up I decided to only date females now, I am bisexual. I decided this due to the fact that most of my best relationships are with females and females always seem to treat me so much better than males. As well I wanted to take a break from males. Plus I hate to say it; I was the one who ended all my female relationships when there was nothing really wrong in the relationship. Actually everything was great, I just didn’t want to be tied down at the time. Now I want to see where that kind of relationship can lead. Who knows maybe I was meant to be with a female and not a male. Could be the reason why all my male relationship never worked when I put so much effort into them. Could be the reason why all my female relationships worked and I just bailed out of them. I won’t know until I actually try.
My family life is as well as can be. The only thing is that Hope is still Hope, detaching herself from us. Nothing we can do there since she is her own person and makes her own choices that she has to live with. In all baby number 14 will be due any day now, but for sure on the 21st. I am so exciting for it. As well as watching out for my prego Carrie. She is so cute when she is pregnant. *huggles her* Just in all having a great time with everyone.
Work is going well, I will be done with my contract soon. Then I think I will try to work on all my dread orders. I have started to work on my business proposal for my dread business as well. Saving and everything for school in the fall plus the move as well. Well that is everything for now.
» A Promise For My Heart... Should I Make It?
Well, I have been putting off answering someone’s request. That someone is special to me in so many ways! I care for him very deeply, and love him ever so much. He can make me smile when I am next to tears. He can make me laugh when I am in a rage. He can calm me down when the storm inside me seems to be taken over. His soft voice is like the gentle wind against my ear. He is everything I have ever wanted and dream of in a person. He may sound almost too amazing and perfect. He is so amazing, yet he is not perfect. His imperfections are what I love about him the most. How he is so scared to make the first move and be rejected. How he is so shy to say what really is in his heart. How he’d rather stay your friend then to try venturing to see if there is more to it than friendship. How when he does after a long time of thinking about making a move, he finally gets the courage to make that move. How he gets so emotional when things don’t turn out the way he planned or hoped for. It’s not a bad emotional, it’s a sweet angelic emotional. He just stays quiet for a while thinking about what just happened, his breathing always slow and soft. He even sometimes starts to write out his feelings. Through poems, songs, and stories. This is what makes him amazing. He has feelings for me, which he confessed to a month ago. I told him I wasn’t ready just yet to get into another relationship. I want to be able to be fully healed from my first heartbreak. Leaving me able and willing to love with my whole heart and to the fullest of my heart. I don’t want to get into a relationship too soon, just to help heal my heartache. I want to be able to do it on my own. So until I am ready, I have decided to stay single. My dearest, I have told him all these reasons as to why I can’t be with him how he would like. I do love him, but just not the way he loves me. I can admit that slowly with time that our friendship has blossomed, that the seed of love has been planted. I can feel that same feeling I had not to long ago, when I was with my first true love. Just it not as big, it doesn’t engulf me fully. I only ever felt a love like that once. Where it engulfed me body, mind, and soul! It was the best high I have ever felt, that high of being in love with someone so much and having be returned. Maybe with time and work we could be like that, but when I am ready. After letting him down as gently and as best as I could. He was really hurt, as much as I wanted to not hurt him. I knew that it was going to happen no matter what I said or did! I could not have hurt him by simply lying to him and being with him. That was the move and mistake I didn’t want to do. It would have been unfair to myself and to him as well. I didn’t want that for him or myself. After his love confession, our friendship was a bit off set by it. We kind of laughed about it after a time and realized it was silly. We decided not to let it ruin our awesome friendship, and went on with how our normal friendship was. After about 2 week from his confession. He asked me to make him a promise. To promise that when I am ready and willing to love again and to be with someone, that he will be the first person I let know and give him a chance. His words were “Promise me something Haven. That I will be the first person you will be with when you are ready to date again” That was so sweet of him to ask that. I didn’t give him an answer; I have been putting off since then. I just told him I need time to think about it. He brings it up from time to time. Never really trying to press me for an answer, or to make me feel pressure to give him one. He always gives me my space and time. I hold such respect for him for that, for I have never met anyone who is as patience as him. I know I need to give him an answer soon. I don’t want to keep him in the dark much longer. I am just confused about it all! I feel that if I say, “Yes” to his promise it’s basically saying, “yes” to dating him. Just we aren’t together just yet, until I say we are. The commitment is still there, as if we are in a relationship… I just don’t want to be a hypocrite! Saying I don’t want to be with someone… and then making a promise like that and still be committed to that person as if we were dating! I know I need to give him an answer soon. I just don’t know what to choose. I am scared to hurt him yet again by rejecting him for a second time. He even sent me a YouTube video with the lyrics for a song; he heard that reminds him of me every time he hears it. Here it is!

By: Secondhand Serenade

Share with me the blankets that your wrapped in
Because its cold outside cold outside its cold outside
Share with me the secrets that you kept in
Because its cold inside cold inside its cold inside

And your slowly shaking finger tips
Show that your scared like me so
Let's pretend we're alone
And I know you may be scared
And I know we're unprepared
But I don't care

Tell me, tell me
What makes you think that you are invincible?
I can see it in your eyes that you're so sure
Please don't tell me that I'm the only one that's vulnerable

I was born to tell you I love you
Isn't that a song already?
I get a B in originality
And it's true I can't go on without you
Your smile makes me see clear
If you could only see in the mirror what I see

And you're slowly shaking finger tips
Show that you're scared like me so
Let's pretend we're alone
And I know you may be scared
And I know we're unprepared
But I don't care

Tell me, tell me
What makes you think that you are invincible?
I can see it in your eyes that you're so sure
Please don't tell me that I'm the only one that's vulnerable

Slow down girl -- you're not going anywhere
Just wait around and see
Maybe I am much more you never know what lies ahead
I promise I can be anyone, I can be anything
Just because you were hurt doesn't mean you shouldn't bleed
I can be anyone, anything, I promise I can be what you need

Tell me tell me
What makes you think that you are invincible?
I can see it in your eyes that you're so sure
Please don't tell me that I'm the only one that's vulnerable

It’s so sweet! He really does care for me… I am just so confused, cause I can’t love or care for him how he does for me. I don’t think I ever could… I just need to give him answer! He has been this patience already for it, he has earned it twice over for an answer from me.

» Husband's Writting To His Wife (Moi)
Here is just a little something my wonderful loving hubsand Alex Noir, wrote for me *hearts* It's sweet!

.-*-.Like a dark star, i fade away in the night, ashamed of myself and buried alive in my own life. Wish i could drop down to earth and take a new chance, to kiss your lips once more and taste your pink blood.-*-. And like a morning star you came to crash into my heart, your turned the night into dawn, and promised me forever warmth on this arms, i'll kiss your lips someday and i'll save you from turning into another fading dark star. I love you my porcelain doll.-*-.

Awwwies is that not the sweetest? He is such a good writer! I love him so much! *hearts*
Top of Page Powered by LiveJournal.com